Building Self Confidence in your Child

The objective of this article is to highlight the need for boosting the self-confidence of your children. During the days that I was a kid, the trend of both parents working had not caught up. However, today with both parents working, it is the responsibility of both of them to inspire their children to believe in themselves. If the husband is having a stressful job with long working hours and if he is also a frequent traveller, then the onus falls on the wife to take the initiative in this regard. Why is Self confidence so Important? Well known Tamil scholar, N D Sundaravadivelu has remarked, "An individual who does not have self confidence can never progress in life". Suraj Choksi, CEO of Back Rx Spine Care Pvt Ltd says that learning to believe in yourself is the first step to success. Whenever the mind can conceive and believe, it can achieve. One has to be smart and take calculated risks in life. Ramesh Menon, a corporate trainer says, "If we tell our sub conscious mind something, our mind works overtime to make it happen. If you vocalise your goal, your mind will find out ways for you to reach there". Self confidence is crucial for positive visualization. If an individual does not believe in himself, how can others trust him to do a good job? It is said that the age from 1 year to 8 years in a child is the most impressionable age. The experience that a child has during this period moulds his personality in the future years. Therefore, self confidence is so important for success in life and meeting the road blocks that one might encounter on the path towards success. Nurturing your Child Many of us parents end up bruising our child unintentionally. For instance, we seldom realise the old maxim - "Anger is one word short of danger" and blurt out our fury at our children only to repent about it later. During such outbursts, we inadvertently end up telling our children - "You will never do this", "You are going to fail if you are going to watch too much television" "You are going to hurt yourself". Besides providing negative reinforcement, we also sabotage the self-confidence of the child with such atrociously hurting statements. As parents let us remember, "Words from the mouth and bullets from the gun can't be taken back". Not without my Daughter Jayshree Raghuraman fell in love with Peter Robinson. The couple tied the knot in Chennai and soon Jayshree realised that she was in the family way. But the honeymoon was over even before it started. It was a classic case of - "Marry in haste and repent at leisure". Peter was suspicious by nature, wanted her to be a home maker and started advising her to eschew Jayshree's religion. Things took a turn for the worst when Jayshree was advised to sever the ties with her parents for no particular reason. "It was an ego issue", says Jayshree recalling the nightmare. "But it was thanks to my belief in my abilities that I was able to pick up the threads of my life again after my divorce and restart my life. I attribute this resilience to my upbringing where my mother, in particular, encouraged me constantly and told me that my competition was with myself. " Stung by the harsh reality, Jayshree moved to Mumbai with her parents and daughter Nilanjana. Slowly and steadily, she distanced herself from her ex-husband and now she has shifted lock, stock and barrel to New Zealand. She is eternally thankful to her mother. Shades of Arundathi Nag in Paa? Mercifully for Jayshree, Nilanjana did not particular crave for a father and though a single parent, Jayshree did not leave any stone unturned when it came to the upbringing of her daughter. She loses no opportunity to encourage Nilanjana to push the envelope. Nelson Mandela has said, "It does not matter how many times you fall. What matters is how many times you rise after every fall". My daughter will do it! Mumbai-based Mrs M V Lakshmi, who is now in her 60's and has a host of health complications is sardonic about her daughter's teacher's comments. "I have faced huge challenges in my life and I battled all of them because I had the will to struggle", says the demure old lady whose zest for life and never-say-die spirit will be inspiring for many senior citizens. The lady's love for life sustains her through all her health challenges. Mrs Lakshmi's daughter Kanaka was a slow starter in school. Her kinder garten teacher Mrs Vimala Jambunathan had a volley of complaints to make whenever Mrs Lakshmi went to fetch Kanaka from the school in the evenings. "Your daughter is not reading well". "She is not paying attention in the class. She is too talkative". "Her hand writing is bad". Though patient for a few days, Mrs Lakshmi eventually decided enough was enough. She told the teacher, "My daughter will improve. I have the confidence in her. I will take care". When Kanaka completed her B.E. (Electronics) from a famous engineering college in Mumbai, Mrs Lakshmi felt vindicated. Kanaka reminisces, "I was down, but never out, thanks to my mother. My father was a self-made man but he had this habit of easily getting worked up over trivial issues. My mother inspired me to believe in myself even when the chips were down. She stood by me like a rock whenever I faced a stumbling block." In such cases, the upbringing pattern becomes more cyclical. If Kanaka was inspired by her mother, she does not lose any opportunity to inspire confidence in her own children. Where there is a will, there is a way. Seeing the negative aspect in every situation can lead to.... Let us take the case of Rohan Marthandam. While Rohan's father, a workaholic, was never at home, Rohan's mother effected her child's future by defeatist statements and a permanent paranoia. Rohan was born to his mother when she was barely 19. His mother kept imagining the worst during her pregnancy. On top of it, she had this knack of sensing the negative aspect in every situation. At the age of 40 years, Rohan has a bland career, sans any excitement and was petrified of driving a car. Now parents please do not laugh at this. But there are poor souls like Rohan in this world. His mother spent a lifetime frightening poor Rohan from a very young age. Rohan's father Marthandam was not even at home to get a hang about what was happening on the home front. Not long before, Rohan succumbed to acute depression and mental agony due to all the negative reinforcements. Today, Rohan maintains a distance from his parents, has accepted the problem and is fighting hard to come out of the morbid phase in his life. Shorn of self-esteem, Rohan attributes his failures to the constant negative reinforcement that he received from his mother. While Rohan's classmates have moved to New York, UK and Australia and are busy with their careers, Rohan realises that lack of self confidence has made him redundant. In this case, Rohan's father realised it far too late that his son wasn't being exposed to the best things in life. A few words of Advice..... 1. Both parents have a crucial role to play when it comes to inspiring confidence in the children. 2. Never adopt a defeatist stance or utter negative statements to your children as this will affect them. 3. Failures are disguised opportunities for success. So, never lose an opportunity to encourage your children when they succeed. When they fail, ensure that they do not lose track of the lessons learnt even as they work towards success the next time. Perseverance is the goal to success. 4. Never do anything or utter anything that will erode the confidence of your child. Today, your child might be young. But one day he will grow up. The seeds for self-confidence are often sown in the early childhood days. 5. Never have quarrels in front of your children as they will start losing their confidence. Some parents hit at each other even as their children are watching. Even if one parent has the well-being of the child in mind, he/she will refrain from such abominable squabbles. As I conclude this article, the FM radio is broadcasting this famous song from Lagaan. Can you guess what this song is?